11 Great Ways to do Nothing (While the World Goes to Hell)
You’d like to change – you really would. But you have a significant other who’s not on board for any radical changes, or perhaps any scientific advancements since the discovery that the earth orbits the sun.
Fluffy is not green.
What am I supposed to do? Buy a Smart car? How am I going to move my four kids/hockey equipment/furniture when I move every six years/dead bodies? I can’t live without my SUV!
Guess what? You will.
SUV of the future. Note four-hoof drive.
Global warming is caused by clouds and cosmic rays. Gas prices are high because the oil companies are ripping us off. People born in North America instead of Bangladesh deserved it because they’re morally good. Greenpeace is killing the polar bears to make a point!
These air-breathers could crawl right out of the ocean and swallow us whole! Thank God they’ll all be dead soon.
Republicans don’t care about global warming. Tax-and-spend liberals are going to bankrupt our country. Environmentalists hate civilization and won’t be happy till we’re all living in mud huts.
Everybody from the Sixties is still stoned. (OK, some stereotypes are true.)
Don’t get me wrong. Recycling is a great solution for 1942. The scrap drives will also really help the Allied/Axis war effort (depending on where you live). But not only won’t this stop the world’s resources from running out, it’s not quite enough to save your butt in the 21st century.
This is used up, but I can’t fit it in the bucket.
6. Think Positive
Also popularly known as wishing upon a star. Let a smile be your umbrella when the monsoon comes. A happy thought will keep you toasty warm when the power lines fall. Buy and hold is a good strategy – the market always goes back up.
Hey kids! This also works great for relationships and winning the lottery!
7. Think Negative
It’s too late anyway. I mean, we’ve been hearing “we’ve only got 10 years left” for 15 years now. James Lovelock says we’re all doomed. What’s the point of me even going to college/having kids/getting a three year subscription to Vanity Fair?
I’m gonna kill myself as soon as I take out Jiminy Cricket.
We put politicians in office to take care of this stuff, right? They’ll handle it. And I gave a hundred bucks to the friggin’ World Wildlife Fund last year to take care of the pandas or whatever. I can’t do everything.
This guy’s on top of it. Why worry?
Yeah, the writer’s strike took out Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ve still got sex and heroin.
Hey, I’m honing my math skills!
10. Look out for #1
This is in the best American hero tradition, and can include taking care of your family first, if you’re not divorced yet. (Things get more complicated with remarriage, blended families, stepchildren and pregnancy through rape and incest, but we’re expecting a constitutional amendment.) Who says it takes a village?
Screw these guys. I can sail this baby by myself.
11. Keep busy
It’s not your fault it takes 60 hours a week to do your job since they downsized half the staff. And the only house you could afford was way out of town, so that added two hours of commuting to your day. And the kids have to be driven everywhere these days, God forbid they should walk (although, you know, there are those kidnappers out there – maybe it wouldn’t be safe). And emails – it takes the whole day just to get through them. Not to mention keeping up with all the blogs!
Leave me alone. I’m just trying to keep my head above water.
Anybody want to make it an even dozen? I’m too busy.